Facade
by Pixi-Tifa
Summary: She had to be two people: Hawke, the strong, bold leader the whole world saw and Marian, the young mage few even knew. Her internal struggle to mantain her public face was becoming too much. F!Hawke/Anders. Spoilers.
1. Prologue

**Author's Note: I am using female Hawke's default appearance. Story contains spoilers.**

Prologue

From the moment her family had been forced to flee Lothering she had to lead. It had been from necessity that Marian created her outward persona of Hawke. Hawke was the capable leader, the one with the answers. Hawke could stare an ogre in the face while unleashing a torrent of fire and not be afraid.

However Hawke could not show her emotions. The scream of anguish that welled up inside her, at seeing Bethany's lifeless body on the ground, had been bitten back. She would have to wait until they made camp to allow Marian to come out and grieve. Hawke had to be a rock, for Mother and Carver. By the time they reached Kirkwall she had her Hawke face on for so long Marian was receding into the background. A year of working for mercenaries had only cemented Hawke further in place.

When she was child her father had told her she was a natural leader, what she did not know was how exhausting that would be. Hawke had become the unquestioned leader of her small band of friends. She had felt physically sick at having to make the choice to take Carver to the Grey Wardens. But Hawke could not show that. Hawke had to look into her brother's frightened eyes and decide his fate without betraying too much emotion. Inside Marian was crying, not wanting this particular decision forced on her.

After that day she swore to never let anyone else in, she'd lost too many close to her. Father and Bethany dead, Carver in the Grey Warden's never wrote. She had fully become Hawke now, a leader, a noble and more important an apostate willing to stand up to the Knight-Commander. Perhaps that's why she had been so surprised when she discovered she had more than friendly feelings for Anders. And just like that she was back to juggling Marian and Hawke.

The balancing act was not as easy this time, especially after her mother's death. This time there had been no one for her to turn to, no one, but him. She had all but fallen into his arms, sobbing. Her mental walls came crashing down; she realized Anders was all she had left. And most important to Hawke, he was the only one who knew her as Marian.

Perhaps, in retrospect, she should have ended it then instead of running to him. Hawke had always tried to be fair, always look at both sides of the issue. Even as the tension between the Templars and the Mages reached its breaking point Hawke tried to settle things peacefully. And then Justice happened. There was no going back. The next choice she made would determine the rest of her life and she didn't even have to think.

The heart had beaten the head. Marian had beaten Hawke.


	2. Chapter 1

Marian Hawke's eyes closed briefly as her fingers tightened around her staff. She took a deep breath as she felt the intricate carvings. Thrusting the staff forward she released a fireball at a group of Templars. Quickly throwing up her mental walls, Marian blocked out their cries of agony, becoming Hawke. "On the left!" she called to her companions. An arrow whizzed by her ear, as Aveline barreled past. "The fight is going to be a little one sided," Varric laughed taking Hawke's left. Hawke laughed and nodded at her friend, she liked Varric's idea of the odds better than the real ones.

The blast of sheer energy rocked her as it slammed toward the Templars. "This should even things out!" Her teeth clenched, Hawke was rapidly slipping away. Marian knew she did not have to turn around; Anders would be standing behind her. She could feel Varric's eyes on her, but would not meet his gaze. Blasting another fireball at the Templars she regained control of Hawke. A flick of the wrist and ice flew from her fingertips.

Aveline finished off the unfortunate man, "Good one Hawke." With a burst from Bianca, Varric felled two at once. Hawke twirled her staff and slammed it to the ground. Energy burst from it slamming into the closest Templar. Blue lightening crackled through the air, "I'll show you why mages are feared!" The last Templar fell to the ground, his body still twitching with electricity.

Hawke strapped her staff to her back, "Check the bodies," she directed to Varrick and Aveline. Trying to keep up her battle persona she finally turned to Anders. "What are you…" she began.

He held up a hand. "I was supposed to remain at camp with the others." Anders looked down; he couldn't make himself look into her eyes.

"I thought we agreed one healer would stay at camp and the other with the scouting party," Hawke sighed closing the gap between them. Anders kept his eyes fixed on his boots. "I cannot protect you if you come running to fight Templars," she kept her tone even. "Aveline, Varrick! We should get back."

Hawke walked a few feet ahead of her companions, mostly to tune out their conversation about the few pieces of silver they had managed to loot from the Templars. This might be the only time she would get a chance to think. It had become so hard to talk to Anders; she barely knew how to speak to him now. It would never be the same as before but now she saw her team breaking apart. "Hawke!" Varrick said for a third time. "When we get back to camp send Fenris and Isabela with us to scout north."

"Take them," Hawke nodded, she could see the dim light from the campfire. Hopefully the light was not too bright; she would hate to be ambushed. Picking up her pace a little she quickly closed the distance to the camp. Forcing a smile as she passed her friends Hawke ducked into her tent. She dropped her pack to the ground and laid her staff next to it. As she sat down on her bed roll Hawke finally slipped away.

Marian put her head in her hands, she was mentally exhausted. It was too hard to keep being Hawke, The Former Champion of Kirkwall. They were only four days from the city still too close for Marian's comfort. She had not even had time to fully process all of the events that had occurred. Talking had not been an option at the time. But now she didn't know how to approach the subject.

Outside her tent she could hear Merrill prattling on about nothing. Silence from Carver and Anders. The others were too far away to hear anymore. Marian sighed as she stepped from her tent. She looked blankly at the camp. Barely registering what her friends were doing. "Anders we have to talk," she pressed her fingers to her temples. He stood up and walked toward her.

"Probably a good idea," Carver muttered, he sat on the other side of the fire sharpening his blade.

"Not now Carver," Hawke frowned at her brother. She walked slowly with Anders to the edge of the camp. "I probably should not have waited so long to bring this up," she said looking up at blonde mage. "You being here right now does not mean I am condoning your actions." Marian clenched her hands nervously; she had purposefully left her staff in her tent to not appear confrontational. "What you did was not justice," her voice was cold, hurt. "I, for the moment, choose to believe it was Justice who forced your hand."

Anders cringed, fighting to keep Justice down after her last comment. "I know I should have trusted you," there was a hitch in his voice as he tried to stay calm. "We both knew something had to be done!"

Marian wanted to scream, but getting into a shouting match would do more harm than good. "Something had to be done, but not that way. Too many innocent people were killed, and too many more will die because of it." She couldn't contain how she felt anymore. "I knew we would be hunted, no matter where we went. I accepted that, I've been running my whole life. But do you even realize what you've done?" As soon as the words left her mouth Marian regretted them.

"What I've done?" Anders face darkened. "I've damned us all. Believe me I did not want to bring them," he gestured toward the camp, "into this. I couldn't bring myself to tell you, every time I thought about it…" he closed his eyes, as if remembering some pain. "You would have hated me if I told you. After all I am, as Meredith said, an Abomination." The tension between them was palpable; the very air seemed to shimmer. "You should have killed me," Anders lowered his voice, just in case someone was eavesdropping, "Or at least sent me away from you. I knew I would hurt you, which is what I tried to tell you."

"Anders," Marian said softly.

"This is why Justice doesn't approve," Anders' balled his hand into a fist, still struggling to keep Justice in check. Thankfully, Justice chose not use his full force against the mage. "He says our thinking is 'clouded'. And that both of us need to get our priorities in order."

Marian bit back a snide comment, refusing to indulge her desire to fight with Anders. "My priority right now is to ensure my friends' safety. They're going to want answers too." She frowned, just imagining the questions her other companions would ask made her head throb. She rubbed her temples with her index fingers trying to relieve some of the pressure. Marian was caught off guard as the ground beneath her trembled, her eyes flicked to Anders not surprised to see the air around him shimmering with lightening.

"I answer to no one!" It was Justice's voice that boomed from Anders. "What would you have done Hawke? You claimed to want equality for Mages."

Hawke took a step forward unafraid of Justice; she met his glowing blue eyes angrily. "I was showing people mages can be trusted outside the Circle, we are functioning members of society just like anyone else." She refused to back down; she was ready to answer any question he threw at her. "The end does not always justify the means, especially if you take innocent lives in the process."

She could see Anders regaining control of Justice. "Isn't that right Anders?" Hawke said not giving Justice a chance to speak. "It's wrong to take innocent lives just to make a point. You agree with me." The air cleared, becoming still again. "All I am saying Anders is that our friends are going to want to know the reasons behind your decisions."

Anders nodded weakly, "Yes, they deserve an answer." He looked at Hawke and frowned. "But they won't understand."

Marian touched his arm gently, "Try your best. You owe them that much. Whatever they feel you know I will stand by you. Take some time to collect yourself, Varrick and the others should return soon." She smiled at Anders and then turned to go back toward the camp fire. "Everything is fine Carver," she said answering her brother's angry look. Marian sat down on the ground, "When the others return we're going to have a discussion about what we are going to do from here."


End file.
